My Youth, I Hardly Knew Ye

I had kind of a weird day today. First thing in the morning I saw some college kids on the metro participating in some kind of an orientation scavenger hunt thing. It made me instantly nostalgic for my own college days, or rather, the college days I wish I had. I suspect that I have had generalized anxiety disorder since I was in utero, and it made me miss out on so much of my youth. I didn't really want to live away at college**, and I was very ambivalent about the school I chose. I was ambivalent about my major too, although 15+ years has given me no more clarity on that front. I wish I had more fun in college. I wish I dated more, partied more, laughed more. I wish I cried less, worried less, and ate less. And mostly I wish I got arrested in the name of a cause, like a friend who I believe is now reading this blog :) Getting arrested at a protest has moved up my list of life goals now surpassing "learn French" and "drink a bottle of Dom Perignon by self".

So I went into work to take care of a few things, and then I had to answer phones in a Member's office for a few hours. All by myself. What a frigging ordeal. I have a new respect for congressional staff*** and I am pretty much exhausted from the 2 hours I worked there.

After work I went to the doctor to continue to work on my blood pressure problem (see above re: anxiety disorder). I absolutely adore my doctor and I am so lucky to have found her. Today, though, she is on my list of People To Leave Out Of My Will****. We got into a conversation about weight, and I mentioned a statistic another doctor told me that most obese people don't live past 65 years old. My doctor says to me "well you don't have to worry about it because the world will be blown up by then anyway". Ummmm. Bad thing to tell a death phobic.

So what do I do? Go to Macy's and treat myself to a new suit, of course. If the world is going to end, I would at least like to be dressed appropriately. So I am in the fitting room with a pile of suits, and Steve calls. Not for any other reason than to shoot the breeze. He brings up Sarah Palin, and asks me how she is going to manage being VP with 5 kids at home. I started shrieking at him that as long as we continue to engage in this discourse of motherhood vs. career, there will never be real equality in this country. Having children and having a high-powered career are not mutually exclusive concepts, says the childless woman without a high-powered career. I fully admit that I have no understanding of the demands on working mothers beyond an intellectual analysis. However, I do know that I have never heard Steve or anyone else wonder how Barack Obama is going to raise his kids and be President of the United States. And that ain't right. Anyway this whole Sarah Palin problem is irrelevant since they aren't going to win. And as for Steve, some days I would like to put his Republican ass out for the trash.

So there I am in the fitting room, expounding on my political beliefs while other ladies are wondering if their thong shows through their evening gown. I will admit that I felt Important and In The Know. I will also admit that I think John McCain made a severe misjudgement in his choice of running mate. I mean, she is woman. I like that. And she looks like Tina Fey, my favorite comedienne of all time. But, ummmmmm, I can't say anything else nice so let's leave it at that.

I am off to try on my new suit and wait for the end of the world. Ciao bellas (and boys if any are reading).

**I owe an unrepayable amount of gratitude to my Mom for making me live away from home. Even though I fought it tooth and nail, it really did me a world of good.
***Except interns.
****If you have found your way onto this list, don't panic. There isn't a lot in the will besides books and shoes. And a new suit.

If I Had A Car

I would so be working this sticker**:



**As a general life principle, I hate bumper stickers.

Heel Spurs Are The Devil

OMG. The title says it all. I can do nothing but sit on my couch and roll a bottle of frozen water under my foot.

Curse me and my stubborn need to do a marathon. My feet are innocent victims in a senseless crime.

That's all I got for now. More later on What I Did On My Summer Vacation, Steve the Super Republican, and Songs That Make Me Cry**.

**How is that for a random assortment of topics? I think that is going to be my new blog format. 3 things that have nothing to do with each other. Hmmmmm. I have to let that idea marinate.

Say Hello To My Little Friends

Lately Etienne** and I have been having some issues. Nothing major. Just the usual crap that brews when old people try to date. Old people who are inflexible and set in their ways. That doesn't apply to me of course :) So I got annoyed with Etienne and went on a bit of a shoe bender. Here is the resulting damage:

The bad news is that I bought 5 new pairs of shoes. The good news is that I got the SALE OF THE CENTURY and I got my fall shoe wardrobe for only $100. I went a little crazy on the patent; I can't resist shiny things. OH and those black and gray ones on the left are two little wedges of heaven for the feet. They have these Dr. Scholl's gel insert things built right in. I had no idea when I ordered - good thing or I might have gotten every color available. They are definitely going to be my fall commuting shoes.

Speaking of color, feast your eyes on these lovelies:

SHA-ZAM are they cute! Only $9 at Wal-Mart in New Jersey. Of course the $9 shoes will end up costing several hundred as I attempt to stock my closet with outfits to match them. Purple patent Mary Janes are not a look everyone can pull off, but luckily I was blessed with an innate sense of style :)

But style is not always the top priority, or so Etienne tells me. He has been harping*** on me all summer to ditch my $2.50 flip flops in favor of something more sturdy. Perhaps he has been harping because I have been moaning and groaning about my heel spurs which have been causing an increasing level of pain all summer. In a gesture of care for my poor little feets, and an olive branch offering to end our petty disputes, Etienne got me these:


So sweet! They have pink lobsters on them! And they are super comfortable - as you can see by the craptastic hammer toes my feet are not well-formed****.

Who can stay mad at a man who buys you shoes :)??

**As you may have figured out by now, Etienne is actually French for Stephen :)
***Harping in a very concerned, caring, albeit know-it-all sort of way.
****The feet are ugly but the polish is DIVINE! The color is called Calendar Girl and it is so pink and summery and matches my tanned feet perfectly. I love it!

Help, I Need Somebody

What I really need is a new blog name. Gimme something catchy and funny and I will reward you by inserting your name in the next 10 blog posts. HA who can resist a prize like that?



I will fill you all (and by "you all" I mean the 3 loyal readers I have!) in on where I have been the past week sometime in the near future. Highlights to look forward to: BEACH with the kiddos, my own rendition of Extreme Home Makeover, visiting every Target, Wal-Mart, grocery store and pharmacy in Northern New Jersey in search of a specific shampoo, and getting on the wrong train. Oh, and a special supplemental piece on how I got myself mixed up with a Republican, for one of my 3 loyal readers known mysteriously as "L" :)


More later, taters!

The Early Bird Gets the Lounge Chair

I was SO thrilled about my afternoon plans - sit by the pool, soak in a (little) sun** and read my book. Unbeknownst to me, I whittled away the best part of the day by going to Target and watching Will & Grace reruns I have seen 18 hundred million times. I finally got up off my can to get my pool stuff ready and lo and behold:




What a bummer. Of course I check the weather AFTER I make my plans and it is supposed to scatterly storm all afternoon. Which means no sooner will I get myself settled at the pool and it will open up again. No thanks. I suppose I could clean my apartment, organize my closet, write letters to long-lost friends, do one of my countless workout dvd's. I will do none of that of course, opting instead for a nap on the couch. Its tough being me, but I am so damn good at it :)

OH here is something that made me laugh: while riding in the car with Etienne this morning, I was forced to listen to some Republican talk radio show***. The hosts were prattling on about Obama giving an anti-American speech (their opinion, not mine) in Germany. Which, by the by, is so last month. But anyway, Fred Grandy (of Love Boat and House of Representatives fame) points out that George Bush is really no better, as he gave an anti-China speech in Bangkok before arriving in China for the Olympics. So they banter back and forth about how disrespectful it would be to bash the Chinese government in China (agreed) and how the Chinese have basically responded to President Bush's long-distance love note by saying its best to stay out of the internal affairs of another country. To bring the conversation to a close, Gopher says "Look, George Bush doesn't know what he is saying to the Chinese or anyone. He is on his way out. He is old, tired, and stupid."

Nothing tickles me more than when Republicans nip at their own.

And on that note, the sun is coming out again :)

**Dr. Oz, Oprah's lap dog who replaced Dr. Phil, says that everyone should get 15 minutes of sunlight a day. I had no idea you got VITAMINS from the sun. I need to ask Dr. Oz though if that means you should put on sunscreen or not?? At my age I can't risk anymore sun damage. I don't want to look like a Gila Monster in 10 years.
***Etienne and I are like a cuter, wittier version of Carville and Matalin. We don't fight dirty in our political debates, but we are each firmly rooted in our belief that we are correct. Too bad Etienne is completely, devastatingly, hopelessly wrong :) :)

Three years of orthodontia and all I got was this lousy Snickers?

Oh, and nice straight teeth. Actually, straightness was never really my issue. I wore braces for THREE LONG YEARS to correct my bite and also to make space for dental implants. I lost genetic roulette when it comes to teeth - I never grew eye teeth! For a long time I had semi-permanent bridges. But that treatment came to a screeching halt when I accidentally swallowed one of the bridges, THREE YEARS AGO. I had to make a decision at that point - live without teeth or do something permanent. The bridges I had were very old dental technology and not even an option anymore. So luckily I got a referral from a friend for a *wonderful* dentist, who in turn hooked me up with a great oral surgeon and a great orthodontist. So with my dental team in place, I embarked on the journey of getting new teeth.



At this point, I am about 75% done. The final chapter is to get crowns put on the implants. I had implant surgery in January of this year and after freaking out and reading horror stories and questioning whether I was doing the right thing, I can honestly say the surgery was the easiest part of the whole process. It didn't hurt even a little bit**, and the recovery was super easy. And I had my very dear friend Maureen to accompany me so that made it not so scary :)



Ok, so that is the short version of my dental history. When it is all done I promise I will post a picture of my teeth, but in the mean time, here is a picture of the presents I got at the orthodontist today for completing my orthodontia treatment. You will note that orthodontics still mainly caters to kids - that bottle is sparkling juice and attached to it is a plastic champagne cup full of candy.

Pretty good loot, huh? I gotta hand it to my orthodontist, he is a pretty cool kat. How many dentists give out KING SIZE candy bars AND gum AND a tootsie pop? Sugar Town, meet your new mayor.



**It probably didn't hurt because I was sedated. I don't want to give anyone the impression that I am a dental surgery hero.

Trident Reports Record Sales

I get my braces off in 12 hours. YAHOOOO. It has been almost exactly 3 years. 3 long, arduous, popcorn-free (well, almost. A girl has to indulge at the movies) years.

I went grocery shopping today and on impulse threw a pack of gum in with my order. I used to love chewing gum, presumably because as a kid/teenager my mom never let me have it. My one single act of rebellion (ok, there were a few more that need not be mentioned) was to chew some serious gum when I got out on my own**. I can't wait to get it back.

So in honor of my break from the orthodontic prison, give some poor kid in braces an encouraging smile today, and tell them how stunning they look in rubber bands. You will make some gawky pre-teen really happy :)

**I have always been a very responsible gum chewer. I do not stick on metro seats, under handrails, on sidewalks, or in anyone's hair. I also do not swallow it, just in case it really does take 7 years to digest.

Even Bloggers Get the Blues

I am kind of blah today. FOR NO GOOD REASON. I am officially on vacation for 5 weeks. Well, sort of. I have to pop into a work a few days here and there, but for the most part I can laze around like a lady of leisure. I get my braces off next week. The Olympics are starting which means I can jump around my apartment pretending to be a gymnast. I am going to visit my family for a week. I should be positively giddy. But for some reason I am glued to the couch with no desire to do anything. I need to get up and do laundry. I also need to do something about this:

Cluttertown. Population: Me. The sad part about that mess is that the counter underneath, and all the tubes and stuff, are very clean. I lift everything up and clean under it. I just don't put the shizz away. LAZY.

So speaking of the Olympics, I read in the paper this week that Senator Brownback has evidence that the Chinese are going to be spying on tourists in town for the Olympics via internet use in hotels. My opinion of Sentor Brownback notwithstanding, this doesn't necessary surprise me if it is true. I am still kind of puzzled as to why Beijing was awarded the Olympics, but in all fairness I have not done enough research to blather on about it. Suffice it to say, if you are going to the Olymipcs, don't use the internet. Which you shouldn't be anyway because you at the OLYMPICS. You should be flipping around your hotel pretending to be a gymnast, like I will be doing :)

I went to one of my favorite places in the whole world yesterday, World Market. Sidebar: what are the blog rules about product endorsement? Am I allowed to say "World Market" or am I going to get sued? The last thing I need is to get sued over my stupid ass blog. I am assuming I am allowed to say it because I am not making any money off this venture, and also because of free speech. Yet another reason to thank the heavens above to be American. So anyway, back to World Market. I picked up some Christmas gifts. Yes, already. I discovered a few years ago that both my sanity and my budget fare better if I buy a few gifts each month instead of trying to pile it all on in December. I usually have my Christmas (and Mom's birthday!) shopping done by Turkey Day. Gobble Gobble yo.

So at the Market of the World, I saw these cutie patootie bath toys I had to get for my nieces and nephew, whom I will be visiting in a few weeks. I got a rubber duck that flashes lights and quacks for my baby niece, two light-up dinosaurs for my nephew, and a flower sponge infused with strawberry soap for my big niece. When I think about how grown up she is getting I want to cry. She is too old for bath toys and she reads chapter books now. I can't take it. So here is a picture of my haul (minus the Christmas presents in case one of the gift recipients is reading!):

You can't see it in the picture, but that duck is quacking. So cute! And the dinosaurs are much cooler than they appear. They are called "Disco Dinos" and when they get to flashing you would swear you were in Studio 54 circa 1971. I am dying to take them out of their plastic netting, but that would mean my nephew would get used toys, and that isn't very nice of me.

Since it is working on 3:30 p.m. and I have done nothing but bathe and blog today, I am off to tackle the bathroom mess and maybe read some Harry Potter. My co-worker gave me the second book and while I didn't fall in love with the first book, everyone says they get progressively better. So I am willing to give it a try. I am nothing if not adventurous.

Keep on rocking in the free world friends, and Happy Weekend!